How to Honour Someone if You Can’t Go to Their Funeral 0

The Covid-19 outbreak means that many of us won’t be able to attend funerals this spring. These rules are important — they keep us, and our loved ones, safe — but it can be hard to grieve without having a way to pay your respects and say goodbye. 

So, what can you do, if you can’t go to the funeral? We’ve created this round-up to help you find your own way to say goodbye from home.

 

10 ways to honour someone if you can’t go to their funeral

Not everything on the list here will work for everyone. Just go with what suits you, and forget the rest. And if you have advice or an experience to share, please do add it in the comments and help others.

 

Make space to mourn

What to do if you can't attend a funeral.On the day of the funeral, clear some space in your home (or garden!) to spend time in while the funeral happens. 

You might like to bring in some photos or mementos that remind you of them. Light a candle or two, if you have some. Let the people you live with know you need some time to mourn, so that they know to be quiet if they’re not going to be with you.

When the funeral begins, you can simply sit and have a moment of peace here. You can think about the person who died or talk to them. Or you could…

 

Watch a funeral live stream

It may be possible for the family to set up a live video stream of the funeral, so that you can watch the service from home. 

It’s worth rehearsing this beforehand if you’ve not used the platform before. Remember that some free platforms have a limit on viewers and on broadcast length. And mute yourself if you’ve not been asked to speak — you don’t want background noise wafting through the speakers at the service.

 

Plant something in their memory

What to do if you can't attend a funeral.If you have a garden, you could plant some flowers, a tree or a bush in memory of the person who has died. While garden centres are mostly closed, it’s still possible to have plants delivered.

Say a few words, if you like, or bury a letter or a memento. In the weeks to come, stop by the plant to water and have a moment of quiet to remember.

If you don’t have a garden, but like the idea, you can donate to the Woodland Trust to dedicate a tree to their memory. You’ll be able to come and visit the tree once the current government measures have been lifted.

 

Write a eulogy or a letter to the person you’ve lost

What would you have said, if you had been able to speak at the funeral? Write it down now. You could draft a eulogy — a story of their life, from beginning to end — or share a single perfect memory. Or you could write to the person who has died, and say something you’ve always been meaning to say.

You can send these thoughts to the family of the person who has died, if you want. Or read what you’ve written out loud, perhaps on a video call with other people who knew them. You could even ask the funeral director to place your letter in the coffin before the funeral.

 

Create a playlist of their favourite music

What to do if you can't attend a funeral.You can use Spotify or Youtube to create a playlist of your loved one’s favourite songs, or just music that reminds you of them. Have a listen throughout the day. If you like, you could even share it online with friends and family.

You can even sing along! One of the benefits of staying home is that no one is there to hear you. And it might help you feel better.

 

Donate to a cause they loved

At a time when it’s not always possible to send flowers, donating to a charity is a great alternative. Give whatever you can spare — every little really does help. Choose a cause that was close to the heart of the person who has died, or something they’d approve of.

With the family’s permission, you could also set up a memorial crowdfunding page to boost donations. Create one for free on Beyond here.

 

Create art to express your feelings

What to do if you can't attend a funeral.Art can be very therapeutic during a tough time. It doesn’t matter if you’re not very good: the point is to express yourself. No one else has to see it. Paint, draw, write poems, compose music — whatever helps you relax.

This is a particularly good option if you have kids in the house who are also grieving. Spend time together as a family drawing pictures for the person who has died, or decorating cards, or making collages with (copies of) old photos of them. 

 

Do something nice for their family

Self isolation and social distancing measures are crucial, but they do make it hard to comfort grieving friends. 

For now, concentrate on all the things you can do. 

Ring them to talk, often. Drop off groceries, get meals delivered, order them a present online. Write letters, and emails, and set up a regular video call. Wave at them from outside the window as you go by the house. Anything that shows you’re thinking of them is good.

 

Learn to do something they loved

What to do if you can't attend a funeral.One of the strangely positive side effects of the coronavirus measures is that many of us now have oodles of free time. And a great way to use that time is to learn to do something that the person you lost enjoyed.

Cook all their favourite recipes until you’re a master. Start learning an instrument, or brush up on a second language they were good at. Teach yourself to knit, if they knitted, or take up bird watching (in the garden) if that was their thing. Anything that helps you feel close to them. 

 

Throw an (online) wake in their honour

If you’re at home with the family, you could do this together. If you’re alone, try arranging a video call with other friends and family who were close to the person who has died. 

You don’t have to have a formal structure for this. You could just call and have a chat. But one idea is to take it in turns to raise a glass of their favourite beverage and make a toast in memory of the person you’ve lost. Share stories, laugh, cry — all the things you’d usually have a chance to do at the wake.

And remember: you can always turn the camera off to have a bit of a cry in private. Blame it on patchy wifi.

 

Remember, help is available

Losing someone you’re close to is always painful. And now is a particularly hard time to be going through this. If you need someone to talk to:

  • Cruse Bereavement Care offer free advice for bereaved people and a support line to chat: 0808 808 1677.
  • The Samaritans help line is open 24/7 if you’d just like to talk: 116 123.
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7 Tips from Celebrants on Writing a Great Funeral Speech 0

Eulogy examples: a microphone in front of a blurred background

Giving a funeral speech can be a nerve-wracking experience. Public speaking isn’t everyone’s forte — and there’s always the question of what you should (and shouldn’t) say.

So, what makes a great speech at a funeral? We spoke to four experienced celebrants — people who write and deliver eulogies professionally — to get their top tips on writing a funeral speech that feels right.

 

How to write a funeral speech, according to real celebrants

We spoke to Clive, Melanie, Kate and Adrienne for their tips on writing a brilliant funeral speech.

 

  1. writing a funeral speechWork out the length

“A five-minute speech would typically be 600 to 650 words,” says Clive Pashley, from Premier Celebrants. Most people talk at a rate of about 125 words a minute, he explains. But the more nervous you are, the faster you’ll speak.

If you get to choose how long your speech will be, ask for only as much time as you can manage. “Remember: you’re grieving, and the longer you’re up there, the harder it gets,” says Melanie Sopp, celebrant and interfaith minister. “Even two minutes can feel like an eternity.”

 

  1. Choose a topic

“Start by sorting out what the theme is,” says Adrienne Hodgson-Hoy, a celebrant from East Yorkshire. “What do you actually want to get people to understand, what is the whole basis of the speech?”

  • Eulogies are where you tell the life story of the person who has died, from beginning to end.
  • Tributes are typically shorter — 5-minute speeches on a treasured memory, anecdote, or theme from the person’s life.

“When you’re talking about somebody’s life, you talk about their passions: follow what they loved and what their strengths were,” says Kate Mitchell, who leads ceremonies in the South East. Eulogies follow a certain pattern (from birth to death), so it’s simply a case of pulling out those key moments that really reveal something.

For tributes, Melanie recommends writing about “things that mean something to you — whether it’s a personal memory, an anecdote, gratitude, or acknowledging somebody’s courage in the face of a long illness.” Family gatherings, holidays and first meetings are all good starting points for a funeral speech.

The most important thing is to tell the truth as you see it,”

  1. Follow your instincts

Not sure what to say in a funeral speech? Go with your gut.

“Just sit down and write what’s in your head, even if it’s a jumbled mess,” says Melanie. “Then go back through it to revise it and pick out what needs to be said on the day.”

Clive adds: “Don’t second guess yourself. If you think of a memory and it feels right, it’s important to you and it’s something that you shared — and if you think your friend or loved one would like you to share it — then I would go ahead and include it.”

 

  1. Be even-handed

Eulogy examples: a microphone in front of a blurred background

“Make sure your speech is as unbiased as possible,” says Adrienne. “Gather information from different parts of the family, so you actually get an accurate picture of what happened and what [the person who has died] was like.”

To get the information you need for your funeral speech, you may have to put your own opinions to one side. “Don’t be argumentative when you are taking the information, and don’t put your viewpoint first,” Adrienne stresses.

Clive agrees. “Some people use their time at the microphone to try and settle a score or get one up on someone. That’s obviously a real no-no,” he says, adding that such funeral speeches can be “excruciatingly embarrassing.”

 

  1. Be honest — even about the difficult bits

Talking about someone with a complicated or difficult history? All our celebrants agreed on one thing: not to flinch away from talking about it.

Person leaning against a fence by a lakeThe most important thing is to tell the truth as you see it,” says Kate. “To honour the person who has died, you need to talk about who they are, and not what people might want to hear about.”

“That doesn’t mean a litany of things that they did wrong — and it doesn’t have to be the gory details. It’s about telling the truth but being kind.”

“Acknowledge that they did have issues,” says Adrienne. “I lead a funeral service once for someone who was an alcoholic, and the family said that yes, he had issues with alcohol, and he tried to turn away from it, but unfortunately the issue was too big a problem for him to overcome. There are tactful ways of saying these things.”

Honesty can be cathartic. Melanie gave a difficult eulogy for her father and says that the experience was “Liberating. It was an honest account of that relationship. I don’t regret it.”

 

  1. Remember, it’s not all about you

Man and woman at a funeralIf you’re writing a funeral speech after losing a friend or family member, you’re understandably going to be in a lot of emotional pain. But while you should feel open to expressing how you feel, it’s important not to make the speech all about you.

“Just be careful not to make it too centred on yourself, and make sure it really does focus on the person who’s passed away,” says Clive.

When talking about others, specific names also are important, he stresses. “Try to avoid saying ‘we’ or ‘they’ unless it’s obvious who you’re referring to. Otherwise, it can be a little ambiguous and hard to follow.”

 

  1. Don’t be flowery, be specific

A lot of people feel that since a funeral is a serious occasion, funeral speeches should use serious, impressive language. Not so, say our celebrants.

“If their name was David, but they were known as Dave, call them Dave! Keep it personal,” says Adrienne.

“Don’t try and be clever and write flowery phases! Everybody thinks that they need to, but someone isn’t suddenly different because they died,” Kate explains. “If you can be specific, and base your speech on real things that happened, that’s best.”

“The songs you used to listen to together, the ways he used to stir his tea — those are the sorts of details that are specific to that person, and that’s what makes a great eulogy.”

 

For more inspiration…

For more ideas on things to say in a funeral speech, you can’t go wrong with our article on funeral speech examples. It’s filled with touching and sometimes even funny eulogies from real people.

Feeling nervous about an upcoming funeral speech? We followed up with Melanie, Clive, Adrienne and Kate to find out how to overcome your jitters. Check out their tips and tricks here.

 


 Meet the celebrants

Clive Pashley started Premier Celebrants with his friend, James Greely, in 2016. They were later joined by Rachel Nussey. He and his team offer professional and bespoke funeral service planning across the Midlands.

Rev. Melanie Sopp is a celebrant and interfaith minister, working across the Midlands and the South coast. Melanie runs the excellent Celebrant Academy, which trains celebrants to create ceremonies and lead services of all kinds.

Adrienne Hodgson-Hoy was inspired to become a celebrant after losing her husband. Now, she leads unique, personal funeral services across Hull and East Yorkshire. With a friend, Adrienne runs Memories of Me, a service that allows people to plan their own funeral services.

Kate Mitchell is a creative independent celebrant working in the South East: her stomping grounds include Kent, Surrey and Sussex. As well as funerals, Kate leads thoughtful wedding and baby-naming ceremonies.

The Unexpected Rise of Cremation Jewellery 0

cremation jewellery
If you stopped someone on the street 15 years ago and asked them whether they had any human ashes on them, they would have thought you were mad.
 
Now – well, they’ll probably still think you’re mad – but you’re far more likely to get a “yes” for an answer. More and more people are carrying a loved one’s ashes with them in ‘keepsake’ jewellery. A once-tiny industry is suddenly flourishing. But why this, and why now?
 

Memorial jewellery has a history

This is not a new thing. The Victorians (ever morbid) were keen on memorial jewellery of all kinds. Often made from jet and other black materials, these pieces fit with the strict mourning dress code of the day
 
At the time, British cremation was still in its infancy. So, Victorian memorial jewellery didn’t usually contain ashes. But many pieces contained a small memento, like a lock of hair. They were a way to show the world that you treasured a loved one’s memory.
 
Eventually, memorial jewellery fell out of fashion. People were living longer, and by WWI the culture around death and mourning had shifted. But the precedent was set…
 

Attitudes towards cremation have changed

Cremation was controversial at first. The British Home Office banned the first crematorium from use shortly after its construction. It took years (and lawsuits) before cremations could regularly take place.
 
But, by the late 1960s, the number of families choosing this option had overtaken burial. And as that number grew, there was a gradual shift in what people decided to do with the ashes, as well.
 
In the 60s, around 80% of families buried or scattered ashes in the remembrance garden at the crematorium. Now, that figure is completely reversed, with 80% of families taking the ashes away with them. 
 
Preferences have also shifted away from the big-urn-on-the-mantlepiece towards scattering. People often don’t want the ashes (and there are alot of ashes) in the house. While it can be comforting to keep a loved one close by, large urns can be intimidating, and the question of where to put them equally daunting
 
By comparison, scattering the ashes on a hillside or river has real romantic appeal. It can feel like more of a final resting place. A small ceremony, somewhere that resonates with the person they love, can offer a kind of closure. In fact, 79% of people who want a cremation would like their ashes scattered.
 


A happy medium

Ashes jewellery

But scattering does have drawbacks. More than a few people who have scattered ashes have found themselves missing them. By then, it’s too late to do anything about it. So, many of us have started to wonder if there was a way to do both: put the person to rest, but also keep them close. 

 
Enter ashes jewellery. Families can scatter most of the ashes, and keep a small amount back to place in a locket or ring. And over the last few years, this way of memorialising someone seems to have blossomed. Now, there is a wide selection of ashes jewellery to choose from. From hollow pendants to clever pieces with the ashes held in glass or resin, there’s something for everyone
 
But, unlike Victorian memorial pieces, these new designs are subtle. Rather than broadcasting the owner’s loss, they allow the wearer to feel close to their loved one – without anyone the wiser.
 

Future or fad?

Only time will tell if ashes jewellery is a brief fashion or here to stay. But most people are at least aware of the option, and a number of companies have sprung up to meet this need. It’s also possible we’ll never know quite how popular ashes jewellery is. After all, with the new pieces being so discreet, who else is to know you’re wearing them – unless you tell them …