6 Essential Tips for Dating a Widow(er) 8

In our Your Stories series, people who have lost a loved one share their unique perspective through essays, poetry and artwork. This week, Sarah Keast shares her tips for dating someone whose partner has died.


On my wedding day, I promised my husband I would stand by him until death parted us. I didn’t expect death to part us only 11 years later. I expected death to part us when we were old, wrinkled and grey – not young (ish), partially-wrinkled and slightly-grey. I never expected to be back on the dating scene in my 40s, with two young kids at home and a dead husband in my heart.

Nevertheless, there I was: a young widow, downloading Tinder and Bumble and wondering what the hell to put in my dating profile. I did know I wanted to identify myself as a widow in my profile. I wanted the world to know what I was bringing to the table (beyond my wit and charm and my decidedly plump mom bod, that is).

But what should you prepare for, if the person you like has lost their partner? Here are some things you should know if you’re dating a widow or widower…

1. Be curious

One of the best gifts you can give a widow or widower is to ask questions about their loved one, and to listen to their stories about him or her.

When my boyfriend and I were newly dating, he said to me, “I want you to know you can talk about Kevin as much as you need to or want to with me. He is a part of your life and your daughters’ lives, and I don’t want to change that.”

I could have kissed him! It was so freeing to know that this new person in my life was okay with the dead guy in my life. So ask. Listen. Get to know their person.

 

2. Be gentle

Losing a partner is traumatic. Your new love interest may have been to hell and back leading up to the death of their partner. Losing someone to addiction, or suicide, or watching your partner die a slow death from cancer is not easy. It brings with it a multitude of confusing and complicated feelings. These feelings do not go away when a widow or widower starts dating.

There may also be things that trigger them. Tiny things that can cause an emotional reaction that has nothing to do with you, but that you nevertheless have to bear the brunt of. For example, many widows and widowers will frantically text or call their new partner when an initial text or phone call is not returned in a reasonable time frame.

Why? Our last experience of a text or phone call not being returned was when our partner died and we did not yet know it. Our brains know that most likely your phone died or you fell asleep, but our hearts are screaming, “But what if he is dead?!”

So, be gentle. We know these behaviours are irrational, but it will take time for these wounds to heal.

 

3. Be supportive

The wounds of loss do not heal overnight. The grief I carry will never go away, but my life is getting bigger around it. My boyfriend understands the weight of my grief, and does not pressure me to “get over it” or “move on”. He simply holds my hand, hugs me and wipes my tears away when a wave of grief comes.

Waves of grief will come! Sometimes obvious things like holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries bring them on. Other times, it’s random stuff like trips to Home Depot, getting your kids report card or watching a certain TV show. They will come and then they will pass. Your gentle, supportive presence will be your partner’s anchor as they navigate these waves.

 

4. Be understanding

Profound loss is life changing and the grief that comes with it is everlasting. If you have not yet been through profound loss, expanding your understanding of what grief feels like will do wonders for your relationship with a widow or widower. Pressuring us to move on or to get over it is not helpful. Understanding that we will never get over it, but we will survive and thrive again is far more helpful.

Nora McInerny, an author and a podcaster, has a powerful TED talk on how we don’t move on from grief, but we do move forward with it. It is worth watching.

 

5. Be grateful

Your new love has had his or her heart broken wide open. They have survived indescribable pain and suffering. This warrior you now love has learned priceless life lessons far earlier than most. They know how precious and important each moment is.

He or she stood by their partner as they died, and they showed up for that person in the face of many horrors. They now will show up for you with that same fierceness and love. They know the most important thing in life is connection and love. They know life is short and can be lost in an instant.

Be grateful you are with someone who has the strength to endure the worst and who now has the wisdom and gratitude that comes from surviving this pain.

 

6. Be confident

Despite the fact that a widow or widower may talk about their late partner a lot, have their photo displayed or feel waves of grief regularly, they have chosen to be with you. They have chosen to let you into their wounded, grieving heart. They have chosen to open themselves up and to risk loss again, to be with you.

Do not feel threatened or overshadowed by their dead person. You are a safe place for their grief and a safe place for their love. They did not make this choice lightly. Be confident in their love for you.

Yes, your new partner brings their dead person to your relationship. Their relationship with their dead person contributed to the person they are today so cultivate gratitude for the path they have walked, as it brought them to you. They also bring a fierceness, a strength and a depth of soul that is rare and unparalleled.

Tread gently, carefully and with patience. You will be rewarded with a relationship that is deep in connection, love, trust and support.


Sarah Keast is a writer and activist, raising awareness around addiction and mental health. You can hear more from Sarah on her TEDx talk here, and on her blog, Adventures in Widowed Parenting.

 

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8 Comments

  1. I have been on a date with a man that lost his wife 2 years ago. He has 2 small children and a busy career. I don’t want to rush into anything but I’m scared he can’t commit to another relationship and I’ll be hurt m. We had a wonderful time and he said he wants things to progress naturally. He’s dated before me but felt pressured by the last woman to make time even though he has 2 babies
    What do I do?

  2. What about the other person? I agree with everything you say, and I am sorry for your loss. There is however two parts to a relationship. What happens to your new found love? Doesn’t he have feelings too? I mean to know that he will never be your everything because you still hold a place in your heart he will never be allowed to be, doesn’t he have that right? What are the things you do that makes him feel special? It just seems to me that I find all these articles about the person who lost someone, and never about the person who is “filling” in.

    1. Exactly! I came here to write the same thing! Successful relationships happen when each partner gives 100%.

      And, I’m divorced. Does that mean I don’t get the same consideration? I suffered a deep loss, too! My dreams died when my marriage fell apart.

      I’m dating a widower, and I love him very much. But I spent the first year of our relationship walking on eggshells, denying any of my needs so that I could be sensitive to his grief (his late wife died 4 years ago). It was VERY unbalanced. When I tried to enforce some basic boundaries (like not talking about her constantly, removing his wedding and other pictures from the living areas of his house, her ashes in the bedroom, etc.) he dumped me.

      Fortunately, he reconsidered my requests and realized that if I had held on to my ex-husband in the same ways, he would have been furious. We’re Back together and working through things now.

      I’ve learned that those of us who are dating widowers or widows should accept nothing that we wouldn’t accept from any partner, regardless of their circumstances. If a widower/widow can’t be a partner just like he/she was with his late wife/husband, he/she should NOT look for a new partner until he/she can. It’s not fair to an innocent person who deserves to be #1 in someone’s heart.

      It REALLY bothers me when I read these kinds of articles that are so incredibly one-sided.

      We’ve all experienced pain and loss, and we ALL deserve kindness and consideration.

      1. I so agree with you. My poor young daughter was so affected by my ex widower selfish behaviour. When she saw the wedding and other photos in his house she asked me if she could have my and her dad wedding photo up too. My ex widower was so against it because me and my daughter’s father were divorced and not widowed. It’s just beyond me how widowed people are selfish sometimes. Is that pain so huge that you cannot think anymore, that you have lost all empathy?

    2. Exactly, you are spot on. All these articles are writem by widowed , who want to have their cake and eat the cake. It seems like your feelings do not matter at all. I don’t recommend considering widowed for a serious relationship. If you want sex and companionship then yes but If you look for love then widowed are mostly incapable to love you trully,no matter how often they will tell you that their heart is big enough to love two people. These are usually very one sided relationships …. they suffer because they can’t have the person they would rather have , and you suffer because you know that they would rather have this other person in their live instead of you. They are not secretive about it and all their actions will prove it every single day. They will hurt you often and intensly with ther innsensitive actions so trauma bonding develops , which will make leaving them very hard and will damage your self esteem and joy of life. Truly , I don’t recommend.

    3. The problem is the attitude you display in your last sentence. You aren’t “filling in” and it is disrespectful to the person you’re with. You’ve already seemed to have entered the relationship with the perception and attitude that you are less than, and unequal to your partner. Because of that, nothing she will ever do will elevate you enough to be satisfied. Understanding doesn’t mean catering to the person nor walking on eggshells. Her heart has more than enough room to give you equal space. But to think you have to be someone’s “everything”……….. is unrealistic and unreasonable.

  3. I completely agree with Keith. The new love needs to feel the same love and respect and commitment as the late spouse did. The new love deserves 100% of the widow (er)s heart. If they are still openly grieving then they are not ready to move on. Is who are divorced also have gone through a loss. My marriage died. I did not get married just to get divorced. I had to get past the pain of my divorce and not being wanted in order to give my all to my next relationship . I didn’t have photos up still and tell my new love “my ex made me the person I am today and I don’t want to forget him”. Nobody wants to be second or reminded of a past relationship – no matter how that past relationship ends. It’s just not fair for the other person

  4. It is obvious several of you don’t see your partners as equals and generally think very little of them; otherwise, you would never compare a death of a spouse to having an ex. When a widow or widower makes the choice and is ready to move forward, that new partner will have the same amount of love , respect, and commitment. It’s pretty obvious that many of you went into the relationship believing you’d get the short end of the proverbial stick in the first place. A lot of assumptions are being voiced about what the person thinks or feels. More honest communication is needed, and an effort to try and understand. If that effort is too much…. please don’t bother trying.

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5 Things No One Tells You About the Loss of a Spouse 0

In our Your Stories series, people who have lost a loved one share their unique perspective through essays, poetry and artwork.

 

My husband Brad and I used to joke about who would die first. It was a strange thing to joke about when we were in our 20s and had our entire lives ahead of us, but that’s how far from reality death was. It was laughable. Something that happened to other people. Something that, when it did inevitably happen, would happen much later in life. 

We finally compromised and decided that if we couldn’t simultaneously die in our sleep when we were in our 90s as planned, then I could go first. We both knew Brad was much better equipped to handle the aftermath of losing me.

But I didn’t die first. Brad beat me to it. After an unexpected and grueling 100-day battle with kidney cancer, I became a 33-year-old widow.

No one can prepare you for becoming a widow or widower. It is one of the most difficult losses you can endure. However, here are five things I wish I had been better prepared for:

1. The paperwork

 I never realized that with death came a mountain of paperwork. Paperwork that in some cases would linger for years. Medical bills, creditor notices, estate documentation – I was completely naive to the logistics of death that go beyond the memorial service.

At a time when all I wanted to do was grieve my loss, I had to go to court to validate Brad’s will. I had to cancel credit cards and bank accounts. I had to transfer real estate and phone bills and Netflix accounts into my name. I had to argue with the IRS over student loan bills. The contents of my mailbox shifted from travel magazines to daily reminders of my loss. It’s been over two years and I am still dealing with the paperwork and logistics surrounding Brad’s death.

2. The shift in your relationships

This will happen both immediately and slowly, over time. In my experience, people are uncomfortable with grief. They don’t know what to say or how to handle it. Most are unable to sit with you in the pain. It brings up their own grief and they are unable to handle both their grief and yours. So, they avoid the pain and discomfort, and ultimately, you.

You are living most people’s nightmare. You are a reminder that this could happen to them too. That reminder is difficult to handle. Usually, it’s not intentional – often people aren’t even aware they are feeling this way. But it’s real. Especially if you are the first in their life to go through such a loss. Oftentimes, friends and family you expected to show up end up avoiding you in order to continue living in the comfort of blissful ignorance.

But it’s not always the fault of others. When Brad died, I couldn’t handle living in the same home, in the same city, with the same friends, without him. It felt like my world had stopped and everything around me continued as usual. Every person and social situation was another reminder that Brad was dead. So, I ran away. I spent months driving around the country, avoiding the life left behind. And when I came back, people understandably had moved on.

Losing your partner will test not just you, but all the relationships in your life. Your social circle will shrink. And the ones who stick around – who continue to support well after the memorial service – will be share a bond with you for life.

3. The secondary losses

Losing your partner doesn’t mean just losing your spouse. With it comes the loss of the future you planned together. The loss of intimacy. The loss of income. The loss of security. The loss of health. The loss of your social circle. The loss of your breakfast companion. The loss of the recipient of your jokes. The loss of your jar opener. The loss of your dance partner. The loss of your road trip companion. The loss of your best friend.

There isn’t a single part of your life that is untouched by the loss of your spouse.

4. The grief ambush 

Grief is not linear. It doesn’t happen in a neat forward motion. It’s messy and unexpected. You will be triggered without notice, at the most inconvenient times. When you look in your fridge and realize the A1 sauce – and all the other condiments that only he used – will sit there, untouched forever. When a certain song comes on in the grocery store and you break down in the middle of the cereal aisle. When the dentist asks how your husband is doing and tears start streaming down your face with his hands still inside your mouth.

You will think you are doing better, and you will be ambushed again. Eventually the triggers become less frequent and less hysterical. Eventually you will learn to manage them better. But there is no timeline or finish line to cross where the ambushes stop.

5. You will learn to balance joy and grief

It’s hard to see that in the beginning, when the loss feels so dark and heavy. And the initial joy will probably be accompanied by guilt – guilt for laughing or being happy when your person is no longer able to laugh or be happy.

But the joy will come. And that doesn’t mean the grief has disappeared: it just means you’ve learned to balance both. You’ve learned to expand and feel more than you thought possible before. You’ve learned how fragile life is and that creates a sense of urgency to live.

Carrying grief gives you a perspective on life that others who have yet to experience such a loss won’t fully understand. Grief is hard and it constantly tests you, but you will find your strength – and joy –  again.



Dana Frost is a writer and the founder of the Forced Joy Project (http://www.forcedjoyproject.com). She is a big believer in sharing our stories of both grief and joy and an even bigger believer of kitchen dance parties. You can find her on Instagram @ForcedJoyProject.

 

Rachel’s Story: “Your Heart Doesn’t Close Up When Your Person Dies” 3

Rachel Brougham with her husband Colin and son Thom

In our Your Stories series, people who have lost a loved one share their unique perspective through essays, poetry and artwork. One year ago, Rachel Brougham’s husband Colin died in a cycling accident at just 39. Here, she talks about life, love — and dating  — as a young widow.


As I walk down the sidewalk, the sound repeats itself behind me. There’s a stomp, a crunch and then laughter. Sometimes I hear, “Ooh, that was a good one,” or “That’s a big one right there!” Then it starts all over again.

It’s March in Minneapolis, Minnesota — the time of year when all that snow melts during the day then refreezes at night, creating chunks of ice and giant puddles on city sidewalks and streets.

The stomp is my 10-year-old son Thom, and my boyfriend Matt, slamming their feet on chunks of ice. When it crunches and breaks apart, they laugh. I’m walking ahead of them and smiling — not just because the two of them sound like a couple little kids having fun — but because it’s the same thing Thom and my husband Colin would be doing if Colin were still alive. I’m smiling because despite what has happened to Thom and I over the last year, we can still feel happiness. I’m smiling because I know everything is going to be OK, even though there are moments it feels like the grief is overwhelming.

I’m the luckiest unlucky person.

In April 2018, just hours after Colin was killed in a cycling accident on his way home from work, Thom asked me if I was going to get married again. Colin had been dead less than two hours, and out of all the things Thom could ask, he wanted to know when I was going to shack up with some other dude.

I mean, what the heck?

In retrospect, Thom was just grasping for something to make life seem a bit normal in what was now uncertain. Of course any new guy wasn’t going to be a replacement for Colin, but it would offer some sense of normalcy. So, Thom and I started talking about me dating again very early on after our loss. I made it clear to him that I wasn’t going to bring any guy into our lives that didn’t deserve to be there. I knew I was going to be very protective and nobody was going to meet my son unless I knew it was super-duper serious.

A month after Colin died, I felt restless. I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, but I did want to go out and have a meal and conversation with a male who wasn’t my son or one of our friends. So I did what every other normal widowed person would do — I consulted Google. When is it too early to date after losing a partner, I typed in the search bar.

“Widowland and dating is great because if you start dating too soon, people will certainly tell you about it.”

Widowland and dating is great because if you start dating too soon, people will certainly tell you about it. It’s also great because if you don’t start dating within a certain timeframe, people will certainly tell you about it. There’s no winning when it comes to dating in Widowland, because people who have no clue what they are talking about like to put you on this magical timeline for grief.

There is no magical timeline.

I went out on a date a month after Colin died. I was still dead inside, but I enjoyed the conversation. He walked me to my car and tried to kiss me and I turned my face and his wet mouth ended up on my cheek.

I had been out of the dating scene for nearly 17 years and this is what dating is like these days? Gross!

Over the next couple months, I went on a handful of dates with other guys I met through mutual friends or found on a dating app. Dating as a widowed, 40-year-old mom felt like too much work. It was hard to coordinate schedules, find a babysitter, pay for a babysitter. It didn’t help that my responses to these guys were basically, Nope, No way, Next, and Nice, but no thank you.

I did go out a couple of times with a father of three who was going through a nasty divorce. We bonded over music, have the same sense of dark, sarcastic humor and enjoyed telling each other stories about our kids. While I knew he wasn’t the one for me in the long term, the month we were together was exactly what I needed to show me things were going to be OK and that I could feel happiness with someone else.

And that’s when something clicked — I stopped comparing everyone to Colin.

Matt and I began dating four months after Colin died, but the truth is that we’ve known each other for years. We worked together, ate lunches together, traded text messages late at night when we just needed to talk to someone. I got him and he got me. It feels like we’ve been together for years.

One night, several years ago, Colin and I were talking about who we would date if one of us died. Colin would date 90s rocker Liz Phair. I said I’d date John Cusack or Paul Rudd (line Colin, Matt, John and Paul up and you’ll see I clearly have a type). Colin looked at me, and without hesitation said, “What about Matt?”

I’m not saying Matt and I were supposed to end up together, but I’m not not saying that. Life is just really weird sometimes. Nobody knows how the universe works.

“Your heart doesn’t close up when your person dies, it just makes room for someone else. Your love for your dead person isn’t diminished by loving someone else.”

Matt knows he’s not a replacement. Matt knows it’s not a competition. Matt knows he isn’t a consolation prize and he isn’t jealous of the love I still feel for Colin. After all, Colin is dead and Matt is living. I could choose to be with anyone, or no one, and I choose to spend this second chapter with Matt.

A couple months into us dating, Matt said one night, “You know, I love you. I love Thom. And I love Colin.” That’s when I knew Matt was the one — the one I told Thom I would make sure deserved to be in our lives.

Your heart doesn’t close up when your person dies, it just makes room for someone else. Your love for your dead person isn’t diminished by loving someone else. There is no limit on how much love we can have. You can love two people at once. Heck, I have a button on my jacket that says, “I love Colin” and I don’t give a frick if it makes people uncomfortable.

Loving someone else should be a testament to your dead person. It should say that you loved your dead person so much, you want to experience that again. Whether that’s one month out or 10 years out.

Love is not a finite resource. And while I’m extremely unlucky, I’m lucky to get another chance.

Rachel Brougham is a writer and editor who lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota. She enjoys awkward conversations, crying during long walks and tacos. You can find her on Instagram @rachbrougham and Twitter @RachelBrougham.