10 Things Nobody Tells You About Losing a Parent 95

losing a parent

Grief will vary from person to person, though there are certain emotions and circumstances that many of us will experience. It can often be a source of comfort to hear from someone who has experienced the emotional rollercoaster of losing a loved one and has come out on the other side. With this in mind, we present this guest post from Kiri Nowak, who blogs over at The Content Wolf. Kiri shares her experience of bereavement after losing a parent, and some things she’s learned along the way.

It’s hard to even put how it feels to lose a parent into words, but the key thing to keep in mind is there is no normal way of reacting. I haven’t just felt one emotion since my father passed, my experience has been more like travelling the world. Each stage of your journey will be completely different, and as you wander through your grief, emotions will come and go.

It’s been nearly 11 years since my father died (I was 18 when it happened), so I think I can safely say I’ve been through it all; the shock, the sadness, the anger, the guilt, and, eventually, the acceptance. There’s no universal manual to help you deal with the loss of a parent, so when it does happen, a lot of feelings, occurrences and interactions with other people can take you by surprise.

bereavement

From my personal experience, I’ve put together some things which I experienced that you might not have thought about or expected to happen. As soon as you lose a parent it feels like your life has fallen apart and you are caught up in a whirlwind, but you do eventually get your feet back on the ground, I promise. The pain doesn’t go away, you just learn how to accept it, channel it and use it as a way of cherishing the person who was so cruelly taken from you.

Here are ten things nobody tells you about losing a parent.

  1. It doesn’t sink in for a while

Initially you might not feel anything. It may even seem like you are stuck in a dream, and everything that is going on isn’t really happening. I definitely went through the first month, if not the first year on autopilot, but eventually everything does catch up with you and you start to feel less numb.

It’s particularly hard when you lose a parent because initially you just can’t face the prospect of living your life without them, and the only way for some people to cope is to pretend like it’s not really happening.  Confronting and accepting that the pain is there is scary, but you need to do it to start the grieving process.

  1. You don’t have to be strong all the time

When my father died, I tried so hard to be strong for my mum and little sister, and show everybody how resilient and tough I was. But just remember you can only put on an act for so long. Pushing the pain below the surface so no one can see it is exhausting. It’s OK to lose your composure, to have an outburst of emotion in public or privately at home or to completely fall apart. We take a lot of strength from our parents, so when you lose one of them, it’s crushing.

  1. You will remember their best bits

One thing I’ve noticed is that you tend to idolise the parent you’ve lost. Why? Well, firstly, because they were your parent who you respected and loved, but also because you can’t bear to criticise them in any way when they aren’t around to defend themselves. It feels like the easiest way to remember them is in the best possible light. However, it’s important to keep in mind not everyone’s perfect, and it’s OK to have negative memories as well as positive ones.

  1. You will probably feel guilty in some way, but you need to let it go

I’ve gone through the day my father died a thousand times and thought about what I could have done differently. I wasn’t at home the last night he was alive, when he was in pain, for reasons I won’t go into. This kills me. But I can’t change it. I know if my dad was around he wouldn’t hold it against me.

I’ve also gone back and punished myself mentally for all the times that I wasn’t the perfect daughter, or when I was mean to my dad. My mum, sister and I used to gang up on him occasionally, because he was the only man in the house, but that’s nothing unusual and he took it in his stride. It’s not a reason for me to feel bad, because he knew exactly how much I loved him.

This isn’t helpful, and you are just being unnecessarily cruel to yourself. Instead of focusing on what you didn’t do or times where you messed up, remember the times you made your parent proud or happy.

  1. How lost you will feel

Your parents cared for you from the moment you entered this world, they nurtured you and showed you the way. So when you find yourself without one of your parents, you immediately feel lost. I think the hardest times for me have been when I’ve really needed to talk to my dad for advice.

When life has been tough, and I’ve needed his strength and his guidance, I’ve felt so lost and alone. But slowly I’ve learned to live with my father’s spirit inside me, and if I’m completely honest, I usually know what he would say or want me to do even though he’s not here to say it.

  1. Childhood memories fade faster than expected

My sister seems to have a much better memory than me, but one thing we both agree on is how hard it is to recall memories. It feels like he’s slipping out my fingers, and as the years pass, the memories fade a little more. However, the important, wonderful, powerful memories never leave you, they stay with you forever.

Like the time when he cried when we made him a photo memory book for Christmas, when his voice boomed at me when he cheered me on at races, and when we sang Bruce Springsteen Glory Days until our lungs gave out on car journeys to Spain. Don’t worry, even if you forget things over time, the best memories will never leave you.losing a parent

  1. After a year or so, other people won’t really care

People forget you are grieving. They offer their condolences in the first few weeks, sure, but not too long after that, they just get on with their lives, and it hurts. But don’t take it to heart too much, it’s just the way people are. It doesn’t take away from what you are experiencing at all.

Just remember there are others going through the same as you, and they will be much more likely to understand. They will be the only people who truly, wholeheartedly get what you are going through.

For other people life goes on, which is cruel and thoughtless and it will no doubt make you angry. But it shouldn’t, because they just don’t understand. They haven’t been through such a devastating loss. 11 years after my father’s death I still suffer, but my close friends don’t really see it. They can’t relate to the fact that on some days, the pain I feel is still as raw as the day it happened.

  1. How painful important milestones are

When you lose a parent, it’s the big milestones that really test you. The big birthdays, the achievements, the weddings and the thought of potentially having your own kids who will never know their grandad. However, there are ways to include your late parent in these milestones, and as time goes on, you see them as a chance to remember and celebrate their part in your life rather than simply suffering through these events all the time. For example, I’m getting married in eight months, and I’ve found some wonderfully touching and creative ways to make my father a part of the wedding, and these little things will no doubt help me get through the day and remember him with pride.

  1. How hard it is when you are unexpectedly reminded of your loss

Sometimes, you will be doing OK and managing your grief, when something catches you off guard. And then suddenly a surge of powerful emotion hits you like a tidal wave. For me I think the most challenging times have been when something has reminded me of my dad. When I watch a film and someone’s dad dies, or when a song comes on the radio that reminds me of him, or most recently, when I was at a wedding and the bride unexpectedly called for a father daughter dance. Ouch. That hurts, especially as my wedding is coming up. But these moments, even though they are hard, sometimes they are the perfect way to let go of some of that emotion you’ve tried so hard to keep from bursting, and after you’ve had a little cry, you feel a little bit better.

  1. How you eventually come to view your grief with love and appreciation

I’m not going to lie, like I mentioned, at times, the pain is just as raw as it’s ever been. But generally, I’ve entered a new stage of my grief. When I’m reminded of my dad, I use it as an opportunity to cherish his memory, and to dedicate a minute or two of my day to him, and someday, even if it doesn’t feel like it, you will be able to do the same. Now I live every day and my father is there no matter what I’m doing, and I’m grateful he touched my life in such a powerful and beautiful way.

If you’re struggling with a loss, head over to our help centre to see our resources on grief, loss and bereavement, or take a look at our article on coping with grief at Christmas.

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Do you have a bereavement story you’d like to share? We want to hear from you. You can get in touch by emailing us at [email protected] – anonymously, if you wish. Your responses will only be seen by Beyond and we will publish them only with your permission.

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95 Comments

  1. Thank you for such an honest and touching account of losing your dad. I’m 25, and lost my dad 4 months ago now. This post is so relatable and made me feel less alone, thank you.

    1. Thank you for sharing with us. I lost my mom 14 yrs ago I remember it like it just happened. Following my moms death my life went into complete and utter meltdown. My wife and I got divorced I lost the house and everything I had built. I moved to another city for about a year working for my company. Life there just wasn’t the same as home. I moved back home met s wonderful woman and was re married. I was happy or so I thought and that day came when it all caught up with me. I have been in a deep depression for quite a few years now. Since then my father passed away 6 yrs ago. I have yet to grieve either one of them. Its like I’m stuck back in 2004 and 2011. I don’t know how to move on.

      1. Hey Doug, I’m sorry for a that’s happened to you. But don’t give up. Just keep reading more about this topic and I think it will helo you. Even though you’re a man, sometimes it’s okay to shed a few tears…after all, it’s your parents. Anyway, I wish you all the best and I believe you can pick yourself up.

      2. I love this post. I’m 31. Lost my mom (she was a semi absent parent) 8 years ago and my dad 2 years ago. I find myself still crying about him. Everyday I think of him. It’s nice to know that I’m not weird… or alone. Thank you guys.

      3. Hi Doug
        I’d speak to a therapist abut PTSD, you have had rapid succession of loss and PTSD can hang around for years. I only recently lost my Mum (3 weeks) and am trying to push through.

        I wish you all the best.

        x

    2. I lost my Dad a few years ago, but everyday I pretend it never happened. We were a close family, all 4 sisters , mum and dad. since he has gone only the none of the sisters speak to each other. my mum has split us all up by saying that youngest will get any inheritance, and never invites , phones or wants to speak to me . I never wanted anything other than their love. Dad used to make us get together as a family . The worst part is after the funeral my mum has scattered the ashes and never told us where, so I can’t even go and talk to him. I wish I could hug him.

      1. Sorry that you have not only lost your Dad but also your Family have split this happens alot after a family member passes just to say my Brother has or had my Mums Ashes it made me Angry that he wouldnt scatter them we fell out and now I dont know where our Mums Ashes are ive now began to except that I may never be able to visit a Special place to talk to her so I just talk to her any time any where im not wasting my Life on Anger hope this helps.

      2. My dad died last year and my step mum cut us out of the funeral and won’t tell us where or if she has scattered the ashes. More heartache at such a sad time. I cry every day and still can’t believe he is gone. He died tragically and by an error in surgery that didn’t need to of happened. I still feel angry that he shouldn’t have died, he had more life ahead of him and I feel robbed of that time.
        People are cruel and do things like your mum has and my stepmom has at a time when people should stick together. Ours dad’s will be looking down on them with dismay. So sad. I hope you can find peace with knowing he is always with you and always will be. I try to remember this when I am sad that I will never get to see him again. X

      3. You must communicate with youre sisters Katie. Try youre best to keep all 4 sisters talking. maybe by going for a meal or something. hope it works out for you.

      4. You must communicate with youre sisters Katie. Try youre best to keep all 4 sisters talking. maybe by going for a meal or something. hope it works out for you.

  2. Thank you for your honest experiences, I have lost just lost my mother at 31 and trying to process everything – appreciate your raw article

  3. My beautiful husband and daddy to our three boys passed away two weeks ago. Our eldest is 11 and has so much hurt that he is scared it’s not going to ‘go away’. Thankyou for your insight. I will send him your article and talk him through your points. ??

  4. Hi , i lost my dad 1 year ago .. right now i was feeling such a grief that i was searching online for related posts. Sometimes i feel Peace inside , i know he is in heaven but sometimes i miss him so much. Actually this article is so related that indeed you see that you are not alone .

  5. My dad has just gone into a hospice , I know I will loose him soon, I am 49 and he is 80 but a very active and clever mind and he so wants to live longer and its killing me the thought of loosing him , this was lovely thank you .

    1. I saw your response and had to reply to this. I flew to Arizona December 16th 2017 to help my brother rehabilitate my dad after a fall. He had broken his hip. He had been taking chemotherapy and was in remission we thought. While I was there trying to get him back to walking I noticed it wasnt working and he seemed to be weaker than the day i got there. We found out the cancer had spread everywhere, whole skeletal system, his whole body. Within one week he could not get up. We set up hospice and my flight to cone back home was January 8 2018. He died January 9th. That us not all. I had to put my mother on hospice the day that I returned home. My brother flew here to help my sister and I with mom. We stayed with her in her room for 3 weeks until she passed on May 5 2018. Thus is all so traumatic for me I feel so sad. I can’t bear this pain. It hurts so bad.

      1. Dear Colleen, I am so sorry for the passing of both your parents within months of each other. There is no getting over the pain, only a very very slow acceptance of the reality that life has changed and will not be the same again. I lost my parents a year apart, my Mom January 2017, my Dad January 2018. I am 55 and I still needed them. People say, well they had a good long life, but I don’t care how long they live or how old you are, it has no bearing on the depth of pain you experience in their loss. I still want my “Mommy &Daddy” and I had some wonderful parents. I miss my Mom’s hugs most! I think I am doing pretty well when all of a sudden, I am propelled back to the day of their death and I am as much of a mess as in the first weeks after. Recovery is not a steady or straight road, it’s rocky and winding and you fall off quite often, but I tell you everyday that passes brings me closer to the eternity that they now know. I rest in God’s promise of Jesus salvation for our souls if we just believe. God Bless all whose hearts are broken from losing a parent(s).

  6. I lost momma 2 years ago. Today a lady and I assumed her daughter walked into a restaurant I was at. The older lady looked just like my momma. I just began to cry. My dad and husband didnt know why. I excused myself and went to the restroom. Eph. 6: 1-3 came to me. I composed myself and went out and paid for their meal wrote that scripture on the ticket. And left
    Then I searched for how to handle loss of a parent. Found this and had an aha moment like never before. Thank you

    1. My mom pass in march it’s been hard I try to talk to friends but they seen to pull away telling me to go forward and move on but they don’t say how and I need to be put on meds what happen when wards off what do I do so I keep praying to God help.

  7. Thank you ❤
    I often sit and wonder if how i feel is normal i dont like to talk about how i feel as it is but the day my mun called on a saturday at 7 in the morning i knew something wasnt right, please dont come to see us today dad doesnt feel well, the doctor has been and doing some tests, ( 7 am they know more than there letting on) ok sure mum everything ok yes dads breathings not the best dont worry maybe a infections or could be more my dads always been a hard worker worked 6 long days a week to give his family everything needed.thats when it hit ok mum keep me updated, i remember the day passing me by in a blink of an eye i went out with my finace had drink tried to forget and enjoy myself, monday comes back to work. dont want to pester waiting for the next call.
    Hi love doctors results are back its lung cancer dads not been to well for a while but didnt want to worry anyone. ( why not all alone we could help) ok whats the next step how does he feel is he fit? Unfortunaly each step of the way through treatment my dad kept it all to himself he’s always been the head and strong one of the family he insisted he was ok no pain killer’s needed keep on hes fine, the hardest part was watching him go though chemo and all the treatments to find the tumors shrunk however 4 weeks later it grew bigger than ever before it was the most fastest strongest tumor and there wasnt anything they could do.
    I find out im pregnant happy and sad waited years of trying for this to happen now wrong time dads gonna miss out so confused.each milestone scan sex, was a big stage for dad shirink spread.
    Days pass by i give birth prematurly to my little boy perfect an beautiful.
    Unfortuantly he was poorly being 6 weeks early in a critical condition scarieay part of my life with my boy, dad wants to come and meet him, hes had radiotherapy best ro keep him away. Dad was devastayed to which i completly understand.
    After a week and half hes released from hospital all fit brill i went back to work after 7 week’s, in my eyes grandparents/ my dad got to spend all that extra time he will eventually miss out on.
    15th October 2016 dad takes a bad turn, cancer has spread all over not long left a couple of hours spending hours makeing sure hes comfy giving everything he wants the random meals ice lollies were his fave at this point, mcmillan advised to give morphine end of life care.
    21st octover 8 am still no food no water doctor confused how hes managing to stay alive maybe hes got some bad terms he wants to settle, i dwell on it realise its my little boys first birthdays 7th november i never forget suggesting to the nurse maybe hes holding on in guilt still to this day, i dont want him to suffer we will bring his presents round and pretend its his birthday 22nd October. Mum says to dad 11 at night on 21st freddies first birthday tomorrow dad say oh i thought it was soon have we got his present ready mum replies yes of course battery car all charged ready.
    22 October 6:00am dad says carol is freddie 1 today, to which mum answers yes its his birthday smiling he goes back to sleep, 45 minutes later passes away beautiful but sad however the more time goes on it gets so much harder i feel im alone and it i talk to someone what if i never stop crying xx

    1. Hi Emma,

      Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for your loss. You mentioned at the end there that you’re finding things harder as time goes on. You might find it helpful to reach out to a bereavement charity – Cruse Bereavement Care offer a free 9.30-5 helpline for people who need support with grief. They can also help you find in-person bereavement support in your area, and help you broach the subject with friends and family. You can call Cruse on 0808 808 1677. Outside of office hours, there’s also the free Samaritans line: 116 123.

      In both cases, the person on the other end of the line will be trained to help you and listen without judgement: it’s always okay to cry. Anything you tell them is confidential.

      I hope this helps,

      Kirsty from Beyond

  8. Thank you for this article. I just lost my dad last night (I am 39, he was 68) and it helps to know I am not alone.

  9. …missing my best friend, my daddy, gone five weeks already. This week I’ve been a huge mess, it finally “hit” me and I’ve been crying from the sadness and heartbreak I feel…. He was only 72 🙁

    1. Just read this. Looking for advice or just anything. Lost my dad 4 was ago. He had a cardiac arrest at my house. Did CPR & he was in the hospital for 2 weeks. I have never hurt or had this pain in my life.

      1. I Lost my dad 6 days ago the same way – cardiac arrest did cpr until ambulance arrived but he died within the hour just after we got to the hospital I’m also 3 months pregnant and am not sure what’s normal to feel and what’s hormones he was only 63

  10. I lost my dad friday just gone (4th may 2018) just feel numb.Hasnt sunk in yet…I.miss him already x

  11. I lost my dad when I was 15 and my mum a year ago. It hurts like hell to know they’re gone and people around you will not understand which is why posts like this make us feel united in our grief. For anyone reading this, you may feel like you’re going out of your mind with grief but you will learn to live without those you lose. Not to say it is not incredibly painful, it is. And you’re entitled to feel all of your emotions fully – you must to heal. Don’t be afraid or to proud to reach out to people when you need help and try not to be too disappointed when they don’t get it. How could they?

    Focus on the good things life has to offer as much as possible, baby steps… x

  12. Oh my. I’ve never seen something this relatable ever since I lost my grandma and grandpa. They raised me since I was a baby and I lost them 4 years ago, leaving me stuck with my biological mom and stepfather. It sucks since I always consider my grandparents as my parents, nothing is ever the same anymore. It’s like I’ve had my share of happy begginings and whats left are just the sorrow endings.. And i’m only 24 when they left, didnt even cry when they die, trying to be tough as duck. Eventually I cry as I dreamed of grandma, who I was so close with, wanted to call her when I woke up and realized I cant. And yesterday my friend sang an old song for fun, which turns out to be one of the songs that grandpa used to play every day in the morning… I burst to tears and I wish I could come home to them, but I cant.. Huge part of my life went buried with them leaving. I never stopped griefing, even if my friends dont care anymore. It never stopped hurting, everyday I’m just surviving..

  13. My Daddy has been in hospice for 1 week, but in and out of the hospital for over a year and a half. His kidneys stopped functioning last night. We are blessed that he has not been in any pain. My pain is awful. I treasure my last moments with him. I’m physically ill. I’m scared. I want him to be able to breathe again. It’s so hard.

    1. Praying for you Tammi. Please enjoy the time you have left with him. I feel your pain having lost my Mom end of May this year.

    2. My advice video as much as you can. Ask as many questions as possible. Say I love you and have them say it back. Talk about future what they’d tell their grandkids and what they’d tell you. Video holding hands and talking. My Dad
      Past away November 14th 2018 and I’m up 1 month at the time I got the call from nurse 1:00am trying to find help from the pain.
      So I wrote him a letter.
      1 month
      Today is 1 month since you have been gone. I find myself up at the time I got the call from the nurse that things weren’t going so good and that they were transporting you to the hospital. I find myself crying remembering how the doctor met me in the little room to say they couldn’t do no more and that you had passed away. I remember holding your hand and head until there was no more warmth left and crying more. This month has been a very sad and lonely month for me. The hardest part has been getting news or being upset or wanting to get advice and reaching for the phone to try and call you but then remembering that I can’t and man that really really Sucks!!!! I guess Dad I’m trying to say that I really truly love you and miss you so much!! I thank you for leaving me the scripture in the room, it means a lot. I’m so glad I was fortunate to be able to spend so much time with you your last few months and I’m so glad we both knew without a doubt that our love was for real. I thank you for being the best dad you could be and for the example your life ended with. I sure hope you got your answer of Why me Lord and that God said it was because you remembered him and He remembered you!! (James 4:8 come near to God and he’ll come near to you.) I’m so proud to say I’m Fred Jones’ Son!!! Say hello to everyone for me. And know we miss you so much!!!
      Love always,
      Your son Chris

      After writing my letter to dad this morning
      My scripture was psalm 34:18 and Philippians 4:7
      Jehovah is close to the brokenhearted, he saves those who are crushed in spirit”.
      What this scripture is highlighting the fact that God is close to us through our most difficult of times. He truly cares about our feelings and troubles. Phillipines 4:7 tells us that when we pray, “the peace of God that surpasses all understanding guards our hearts and our mental powers”, so when we are suffering, and feel like our heart is broken and we are hurting inside and out, pray to God for this peace and he will be close to us. He will get us through our hard situations.

      Thank you God!!

      Chris

    3. My advice video as much as you can. Ask as many questions as possible. Say I love you and have them say it back. Talk about future what they’d tell their grandkids and what they’d tell you. Video holding hands and talking. My Dad
      Past away November 14th 2018 and I’m up 1 month at the time I got the call from nurse 1:00am trying to find help from the pain.

  14. It will be 2 years this Friday since I lost my Dad. I feel suffocated at the loss many days. The struggle is real, and it changes you. At times I feel a lack of energy, and socialize very little. Many would not know how I really feel in the outside…I put a good front up, because of the lack of understanding by many.

    1. Went to see my father who had dementia. My mom called me on 07/17/2018 that he was not doing well from a fall. In a non-respomsive state. We left for right away at 8:00PM. Drove through the whole night until daylight started to appear, at 6:30AM on 07/18/2018 when my mom called while driving from the day before non stop to tell me my father has passed. Still 9 hours away. the tears came down my face driving in the dessert nothing but endless highway. Pulled over to a rest stop and fell apart helplessly. Kept driving arrived at 4:30PM. Feeling so empty. He kept asking for me. Knowing that I was not there tears me apart. The funeral was on 07/23/2018. I was counting the hours after he passed until all moved in such a pace I could not keep up. Before you could blink a eye the time is passing by now over two weeks since he passed. I feel alone, empty, and completely miss him. Finding myself driving by all the houses we grew up in remembering. What is wrong with me? I know I need to move forward. Its just I feel so lost in this world.

    2. Hi Evelyn,
      So sorry for your loss, you sound similar to me, I lost my Dad suddenly 2 years & 1 month ago.I still can’t come to terms with it happening. It’s been awful beyond belief like you say no one understands- and the worse still is no support has made me very depressed at times.We have to put up a front I find work a struggle as don’t really get on with them.

  15. Thank you for this article. I recently lost my father 3 weeks ago. He was only 59 and I was 16. We were vacationing and it was just so random and unexpected. I miss him so much and I just want to get a message from him saying “Good morning beautiful! How are you? You want to meet for dinner tonight?” But I’m not and the thought kills me. I miss him so much and the sadness is unbearable. The thing that gets to me is the fact that his dad lived to 100 and he always said how he will live to be really old too and I never worried about him passing at such a young age. We realized he had some health conditions, which he never told us about… He was just such an amazing person and I loved him to pieces. He was such a goofy and happy person. His smile was the most precious thing… really was the most pure and bright smile I’ve ever seen.

    1. Sammy I just lost my dad at age 59 unexpectedly just like you. It’s completely awful and devastating. It’s been a little over 2 weeks. It’s just now hitting me the reality of the situation and I’ve been a crying mess all day. He had heart disease which was unknown to anyone because he didn’t go to the doctor. Then one day that was it for him. I feel for you and just know you aren’t alone. Peace and love for you during this emotional time.

  16. Losing my father at this time. Hate watching him suffer. Can only be with him for a short while before I leave cause I can’t handle this.

  17. Thanks for this, lost my dad 7/12/18 one week exactly before his 70th Birthday on 7/19. It has been a whirlwind, a bad dream and when you wake up reality smack you back to hell. I doubt my faith, doubt our souls living on. Tomorrow is never promised and I too have gone over and over about what if? My heart is heavy and I’m exhausted here in this life. It is a natural order of the world but having him ripped from us is just unfair. Dad was supposed to be around for many more years since my mum was taken by Cancer just three years and six months earlier.

    I cannot do this, feel the guilt of smiling when I see my daughter and my parents are not here. I know that they want me to be happy, but I cannot stop feeling guilty without having them here.

    1. Its tough especially when the second parent was expected to be around for many years and I can feel the pain. I do not have a clear purpose of living.

  18. Thank you for this. I lost my dad last week. Still feels like a bad dream and I still can’t belive or accept it xx

  19. I guess I am weird to check it although I don’t know how serious my mum’s condition is. I beg to God my mum will live happily for many more years because she deserves and because I am egoistical. I want her longer by my side. God bless her.💛👼🤞👑👠👗🦌🐾🐺🍀🌲🍾🍉🍿🍟🎆🏊‍♀️🏖🏝🏥🌄🚇🚗🚣‍♀️🛳⚓🛌🚽🌒🌞🌩🌠🌬⚡🌈⛄💡💸📭♿🔝♐⚕♀️
    I love u mum 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗😙

  20. My father is gone, and I can’t believe it. He was the best father ever. Thank you for letting me know that it is alright that I have a few negative memories of him that this is normal because nobody is perfect! Truly most of my memories are positive. This has been very hard, and I think planning the funeral will be even more stressful. After reading this, I will need to find a nice funeral home that we can do a service at.

  21. It helps to know we are never alone, Thank you for sharing your story. Nearly three weeks, this is hard. No matter how prepared you think you are, its like being emotionally submerged. Just got to learn how to swim back to the top again.

  22. Lost my father.. It’s been 6 yrs now. Not gotten any easier. Havent passed a day without hurting and crying. About to loose my father in law now.. doctors have stopped all treatment just relieving pain now. If not for my son I don’t know how I would go on. I tend to keep things to myself and dislike doing to others what I dislike…asking every day how’s he doing..I try to be strong and one break down in private..don’t want to inflict more pain when everyone must be hurting this bad . I know God knows and I don’t need any one else to know.. but it does hurt in addition to all this when I overhear people, ma in law declare how hard hearted and indifferent I am.. doesn’t help with the guilt.. with the grief …with the burden of living.

  23. Last week, on 8/22/2018 I lost my dad, my best friend, my everything. He is the most important person in my life and that will never change. I feel that I can’t breathe without my dad and I don’t know how I will be able to survive without him. I wasn’t ready to lose him, I think no one is ever ready, but my dad wasn’t sick, although he was 89 years old, and in October he was going to turn 90 (I was really excited and already planning this big event). I’m 41 but I realized you are never old enough to deal with this kind of pain. I know I’ll think of my dad everyday but I deeply hope time smooth a little bit this pain. I’ve never felt this way. I feel so lonely, so out of place, like I don’t belong anywhere. I’m just breathing but the best of me is gone. I have never loved any one the way I love my daddy and at the same time I feel guilty because I have a good husband but the love to my dad is greater than anything.
    Dad I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU!

  24. I lost my dad 5 weeks ago…my mum has t’s me today she doesn’t want anything else to do with me…I am devastated as I was very close to my dad and feel she has always resented me

    1. I am sorry Catherine for your loss. My dad passed Feb 27, 2018. My mom left a message telling me we can no longer speak to each other. It all really hurts. I am the only living child of theirs , as my brothers have also passed away. I miss my Dad. I miss his smile. I miss the sparkle in his eye.

  25. On this day i lost my dear mother this morning i received a phone telling me to come to the hospital ASAP, but I was too late she had already passed away. It’s strange how death can take hold over your senses and emotions when you hear those words ”your mother has just died.  I am now left with only the memories from my childhood and how great she was a loving mother, I knew she wasn’t going to see through 2018 her health had weakened over the last few months and I had to cope knowing that the end was near for her. So the message that we all need to learn is tell you’re loved how much you love them each and every day. 

  26. I lost my Mum today as well, her health was getting worse each day and we all knew she wasn’t going to make it she was 76. I am glad she’s now at peace and she knew how much we all loved her. God bless you Mum xxx

  27. I have recently just lost my mother as well. I am 18 and she was 44. The part that gets me is that she passed away on my graduation day. It felt like my world was crumbling. That day was supposed to be filled with happiness and excitement, yet i could barely walk down the stage to receive my diploma with breaking down in tears. She was my main motivation to do well in school, I jut wanted her to be happy and proud of the good work she put into me. Not having her there made it seem like everything was pointless. It has been couple months now and still have this constant sadness. I just wish to hear her voice or see her smile or to cuddle on the couch wit her as we always did. The pain I feel is exactly how you have described it. Thank you so much for this post.

  28. I lost my dad at the age of 9 to suicide and it just hits me sometimes, because I think about all the things he will miss, such as walking me down the aisle. This has been so relatable and I feel like I am no longer alone in this.

  29. Hi all its a tough road I tell you. It hurts like hell even now 4 years after a devastating loss, my anchor is not there and I wonder what I am living for ? I mean do I really have to do the same things ie get a job, buy my groceries and so without really a purpose?

    The grief is manageable to an extent but the purpose is still up there

  30. It was 32 yrs ago Sept 16th 1986.i was exactly 2 1/2 months from my 7th birthday when I walked outside with my dad.as I’d said to him “I’ve got a drawing for you let’me get it.i ran to the door soon as I had 1 foot in that’s when the 1st five shots rang out. I immediately turned round & ran back outside when I did The 6th & final bullet struck my forehead(i’ve still got the scar today.)as I reached my dad who’d been shot all 6 times in the back he was still alive,but fading away [email protected] that very moment I knew that my childhood had ended & I instantly knew what death & what horrible things can & do happen in this world.. I ran back inside to get my brother (he’d just turned 5 on July 1st (1981) exactly 2 1/2 months to the day prior to that.)I woke him up & said come with me now..we walked to his bedroom window & looked outside & saw our dad Layin face up still clinging & fighting to stay alive.he rolled his head towards the window & he saw us.he immediately became almost @ peace & looked as if he accepted he was dyin,but once he saw us both together safe & sound. He relaxed even though he was fighting for air & life.i ran outside told my brother stay inside I got to my dad in enough time to say & tell him “I love you daddy.we’re safe & sound.”He looked up @ me &tried to speak,but couldn’t. His normal body color has now turned from a suntanned light-dark brownish white to a lightened grey.his blood had left his body as I could clearly see the ever expanding pool for underneath him come out rapidly to me.he gasped a few times then he just stopped. It’s now Sept25th,2018.I’ll be 39 on Nov 28th.my was dad had turned 30 on April 1st (56-86).so he was alive for 30 yrs 5 months & 15 days.. My son just turned 6 on April 25th this yr.Same age as I was when dad died.it hit me hard. The worse part of this is that I lost both parents that day.my bio-mom had (along with her then bf & his brother in-law) orchestrated to kill dad for his life insurance policy.for $20,000 my dad lost his life so they could buy drugs.dad had switched the policy to his parents right b4 he’d died.growing up we weren’t (brother & I)allowed to talk, ask,mention, or say his name. I learned bout my dad from my friends parents.I’ve still yet to cry @ his grave.bio-mom has been out since Dec of 2014 along with ex-bf. The trigger man is up again in nov. I’m the only 1 that goes to the hearings.i don’t expect Tony (brother) not do I have any hard feelings for him he was there & lived it just as I had.but nobody else goes just me Thats it.my gf tells me I’ve never dealt with it prolly true. I’m just soo closed off & unable to let ppl in that it’s ended many relationships.i’m very detached from feelings & am quite cold to ppl.i do cry @ times while I’m alone.it doesn’t get any easier with time & age cuz I’ve lived beyond him by almost 9 yrs now.

  31. I lost my father just a few months after I turned 11. I remember always being in the hospital with him, never knowing what was going to happen. He was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer and something else, which eventually spread to his brain. He was set to come home on his birthday, but he passed away the day before. I sometimes forget how to control myself and emotions and everything falls apart, but that’s a part of life. Best wishes -Lyd

  32. My dad passed away just over a week ago. Having been through other bereavements of both my in-laws and my brother in law, I knew dad was dying in the summertime. I recognised all the signs but it still hurt. The anticipation of what was to come was so sore inside of me. He declined very quickly and passed peacefully in hospital. Now I am grieving and fluctuate between all sorts of emotions. Thankfully I am well supported by family and friends. Reaching out to others has proved a life line. I genuinely feel for anyone who feels they have no one to talk to. Reach out if you can. Bottling things up never helps. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. Hurt, pain, anger, frustration, love, hate even! All emotions are valid, even the ones we are traditionally taught to stay away from! Remember too how resilient you truly are. Give yourself a little bit of credit for getting this far! Know too that even though things are tough at the moment, it will get better. You will feel differently in time. You can learn to grieve a loss without being consumed by the grief. You are amazing and you deserve to be happy once more.

  33. I lost my dad two weeks ago. I feel guilty that I am not more outwardly upset. I loved my dad dearly. He was sick for several years so I am glad he is out of pain. Selfishly I want him back but know in my heart he is better off not being here in pain.

  34. Thank you for sharing. My father just passed away on Friday and even though my mom died 16 years go, I find myself still trying to process all of this loss.

  35. My mum has passed away on the 16th October and I got to the care Home 1 hour too late. The last two days I have been ok thinking that my life will be different from now on but then tonight I just long for Mum to be here. I know she was 92 but the pain is very much here and hurts so much. I long for her to just say hello again. The funeral is so final which is next week and I am dreading It for I am arranging it with my daughter and son. This article is so good for I don’t feel so alone

  36. I have been “living” without my daddy for 9 months now. Just don’t know how in this world I will ever feel normal again. I go theu the day with a smile… no one knows my heart is just in pieces.
    Also very angry with my mother. She was horrible to my dad before he passed. He had parkinsons and dementia. Still knew us which was good. But she was evil. I cant get passed that. She wants us (my sister and I) to be more involved with her but I cant brin myself to feel the way I used to about her. We used to be very close.
    I just should have done more to help him.
    My prayers are with you all who have lost a parent.
    Thank you for this article!

  37. Thank you for sharing, you are amazing even though I felt exactly the same stuff you have talked about but I was not able to put it into words like you have and being able to read what I feel has given me a sense of peace a little weight off my shoulders. even though I am at work and trying really hard for no one to notice my eyes getting watery. I should have read this when I was alone and I could have let my guard down. I hope you stay strong and happy, I will try to do the same 🙂

  38. I lost me beloved Dad last October 26th 2017 of an awful death with pancreatic cancer. His death still hits me at some point everyday. Anything can set me off, an Elvis Presley song, a memory or even someone that looks like him. I was so close to my dad & more than anything I miss his voice, his chuckle when he laughed & his very dry sense of humour. He always gave his honest opion about any problem or dilemma we had. My 3 boys always talk about him so fondly& tell me times they spent with dad & my mum. He was an amazing grandad, so loving & patient with them, always giving them hugs & telling them he loved them. On the 1st anniversary of his death on the 26th we had his headstone fitted & we all went up there as a family. It was incredibly hard & upsetting to see the words written on it as apposed to visiting a wooden stick. It made it so real & his death so final. I wish for anything I could have one more day with him to tell him what a beautiful person he was, loving, caring & always there for me no matter what & I know I will grieve for him for the rest of my life on Earth, I just really hope the pain gets a little easier as time goes by but for me even a year on it still feels so raw & painful but I am so thankful I was able to have him in my life for 48 very special years years as his very proud daughter.
    Sending love, care & special thoughts for anyone who is grieving a parent & struggling to come to terms with their loss & the grief they are feeling
    God bless you
    XX

  39. My father passed away October 18. We were extremely close and talked, texted or video chatted everyday. He meant everything to me. He is always on my mind and as much I want to keep busy. I still find myself starring off in space thinking about him, his voice, and the times we spent together.

  40. I lost my Mum suddenly nearly 5 years ago and lost Dad 5 weeks ago to an extremely aggressive cancer. He coped well with it but at the end he went from OK to dying in 24 hours. I wasn’t prepared. I am 49 he was 74. It’s my 50th on Monday and my grief is just building and building. I am single, have a son who has just had their 1st baby 3 weeks ago. Christmas is looming large. My son and his wife are spending Christmas with her Mum, Dad and siblings and I can’t help but feel hurt. I adore his wife and get on really well with her but I resent this, especially this 1st Christmas. My heart physically aches and I am on the verge of tears all the time at what basically feels like the loss of my family. I hide this from my Son as the last thing I want to do is guilt trip him in any way. I don’t drive so I will be alone on the day. I’ve never been alone on the day before. I won’t be able to visit friends (not that I would want to intrude on their family day) and there is no public transport where I live on that day.
    I feel selfish, needy, sad, depressed and so lonely. I just want my parents back.

  41. I lost my father 2 weeks ago and I just feel numb. I didn’t make it in time in the hospital either and couldn’t do anything but just say “Pa” when I saw him there. It was so difficult making decisions and funeral arrangements in behalf of my family. I also feel like I have not grieved yet as after his death and until now, we have to attend to our mother who has Stage 2 Angina. Hearing her cry for my father is a different heartache altogether. There are times I feel like crying and times where I feel like I am OK. Mostly, I feel empty. I’ve been thinking a lot lately mostly of the what’s ifs and the memories. I’ve really tried not to question God’s will but still find myself asking Him “Why my father?” I am back at work this week but will constantly worry about my mother who is beyond any reason right now. I understand her grief and her losing her half, it’s just making everything more difficult for everyone. They’ve been together everyday for the last 41 years. I want a lot of things right now and what I want the most I can’t get.

    Thank you for this article. My condolences and hugs to everyone who lost their parent/s.

  42. I am so sorry for all of your losses. I lost my father on November 14th and his funeral was yesterday. I am 42 years old and my father was 84 years old. Everything moved so fast that I am now realizing that he will not be here for Christmas, my birthday, his birthday, Father’s Day. I no longer have a dad. Someone to confide in or share any big news. My heart is broken. I also realized in this week in a half how so many people share my pain and had it for much longer – years. The pain will never go away and I need to learn to live the new normal. I was blessed to be with him when he passed. He looked up like he recognized a loved one then looked at me with such love and peace then looked away and passed. I will never forget that day and being there was very healing for me. I wish you all the best. We cannot feel bad for being human and losing a part of us for the remainder of our lives. Being a parent, I believe they want the best for us and will always be with us in our heart. Never let go of that and God bless.

  43. Thank you for this. My mum passed away very suddenly just 9 weeks ago. I am 42, she 58. I live on the other side of the world to the rest of my family & so had to rush back home & help sort everything out (I am the oldest of 5). Since I came back to where I now live I am so angry & I don’t really know why. I feel like no one even wants to understand what I am going through. No one here knew her, so they don’t know what she was like, or what it is like for me. I feel super alone & don’t really know what to do.

  44. My father passed away yesterday, at the age of 87. I haven’t seen him since June, because he lives in Canada and I moved to England many years ago. I didn’t expect to feel so much pain! He was weak and so tired, and wanted to die and be with my mom, who passed away 2 years ago, so for him it was a blessing. But oh my, I never knew I would feel like this. It’s been so helpful reading this article, and sharing so many stories and memories. Thank you – I was afraid that I was being weak and foolish to cry when I am 59 and supposedly grown up. I just never knew how hard it would be. Thank you all for sharing, and God’s blessings to you as we walk this road together.

  45. I lost my dear dad 3 weeks ago and this post was very comforting thank you for sharing. I like to think our loved ones will always be a part of us no matter what x

  46. I lost my dad 2 years ago. It was completely unexpected and I was across the country when it happened. All I can say is that the pain never goes away, but somehow your body gets stronger, so you learn to live with the pain. Your life will never be ok, it will be different.

    Just be thankful you had a parent or parents that loved you so much. You feel this pain because of their love, which is beautiful in itself.

  47. I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer last May, I honestly didn’t see it coming. He was healthy and fit and then after battling cancer for under a year since his diagnosis, I watched my Dad slowly waste to nothing standing by him in his final hours of life. The day before was my wedding day, so lucky he managed to watch me and my Husband get married and see me in my wedding dress in the comfort of the hospice.

    I’ve actually suffered from PTSD and anxiety since my Dad passed away, hit me around 2 months after… I then fell pregnant with my first born 6 months later and found out I was carrying…a boy! My dad may have left physically but now I have my little prince who I am truly blessed to have as my son. He’s the reason I try my hardest to keep strong, even though I am still grieving for my Dad. He would of been the best Grandad ever!

    I’ve lived through the highest highs of life and the unfortunate lowest of the lows, but I wanted to share my story to show that even though we’ve lost these amazing people we’re so lucky to have as our parents, that there is positives in life, we’ve just got to wait and like they say… ”there has to be rain for there to be a rainbow”.

    Thank you for reading my story.

    Jess

  48. All of this is very true. I lost my dad almost 5 years ago and I was only 17. My dad unexpectedly died of a fast growing cancerous brain tumor that neither him or us knew about. As time goes by I miss him even more.

  49. A beautiful post. I can relate to much of it. I lost my dad last in Sep 2017. Grief is a complex thing. I was numb last Christmas from the shock. This year the numbness is gone. I am more aware of my feelings now both good and bad. I live in Australia. My mum in Scotland. I think this Christmas might be a little tough. Like the original post I have developed an appreciation for all the good my father brought into my life. The grief brings our mortality from being on the edge to centre stage. That in itself can be a good thing. I find I am now getting on with what is important.

  50. I lost both of my parents 20 years ago. My mom had Alzheimer’s disease at a young age. My dad killed my mom and then killed himself. I have been through all of these emotions listed above. I was angry and sad for such a long time. But it has gotten better over the years. But after it happened I went into a deep depression and wanted to die too! I still suffer from anxiety and depression but it’s manageable now! I still miss my parents with all my heart! They were amazing people! It took me a while to let anger go but now I just think of fond memories. It has gotten less painful. I just wish I had that mother daughter relationship and the daddy daughter relationship too! I’m just glad to see I’m not alone in all this! Many prayers to all of you for losing your parents and all the pain you are going through!

  51. I lost my dad one year ago and I can’t get over it, however, reading people’s comments and experiences has made me understand that grieving process is actually painful and difficult to manage. Even though I am still grieving my dad,I understand that as humans we don’t live forever and it’s important to appreciate life.

  52. I lost my dad in the 13th December 2018, due to advance cancer and severe stomach ulcers, what hurts the most is, he’s passing is so sudden & it’s only been 2 and half months, he’s been sick and the doctor didn’t even know where is the primary cancer started..I’m trying to cope with everything since he’s passing, I have to be strong for my mum, brothers and sisters..I don’t have time to mourn because I have been busy with all the arrangement for his funeral and I even started working because I have lots of work to be done..after his funerals and and some of my work done..the sadness and the emptiness I fell were more stronger..I cried alone every night when I’m alone but I try to not cried that much in front of my family..I am so close to my dad, and knowing that he will never be around anymore is hurting so much.. sometimes I blame God for taking him away from us this soon eventhough how much we prayed,..I still remember my dad said if he has lots of money he wants to go to Jerusalem where Jesus was born but I know God has better plan for him, he stops his pain and suffering and even better he will go to heaven with Jesus by his side…
    Rest well now in heaven pa, no more pain and sickness , we will love you forever and pray for you everyday…till we meet again

  53. I’m not sure how I ended up on this website. I was feeling really sad. No real reason I should I suppose. It’s Christmas time. My children are happy and healthy. I have a good life. It’s just that I have this darkness that follows me. This sadness and emptiness that used to be filled with the love and joy my mother filled. I lost her 3 1/2 years ago to brain cancer. She was the center of our families universe. My best friend, my cheerleader, my confidant, my world. Then, suddenly she was gone. Nothing has filled the void. Not the books, the therapy, meditation, or anything else I’ve ever tried. I just haven’t ever been able to experience the same kind of happiness since she left. I’m afraid I never will. The world has moved on, but I have not. How does anyone really move on? I’d love to know.

  54. Sadness and guilt affect me a lot , bouts of private crying overcome my feelings of loss for my father just 2 and half months ago.
    I hope it passes with time.

  55. It is a second day now,my friend told me, yesterday I wasn’t feeling anything, but now I’m breaking down every second, he was all alone, waiting for me every day, alone in another country.

  56. Thanks for this article. It’s been 3 months since my father passed away and it’s been tough. The first few weeks I was feeling strong mostly because I dedicated myself to taking care of my dad everyday during his last 4 months, so I had this feeling of comfort in knowing that I was there for him all the time and gave him my love and attention. But the pain comes and goes, not a day goes by where I don’t think of him at least for a moment, but some days I spend hours thinking and reliving his last day, thinking about my life and how it’s going to be without him and so on. It’s really hard losing a parent, and talking about it with other people sometimes feels like they just don’t care or don’t understand.

  57. Hi thankyou for your words, I am 37 years old and I lost my dad on the 20th November 18 so only month and a half ago, I have been keeping busy with work and housework, I have tried being open with my family about my feelings but I don’t get the reaction I hope for and it makes me hurt even more, this Xmas hurt a lot as it was the first Xmas I had invited my dad round for Xmas dinner with me, my husband & kids and unfortunately he didn’t make it, so my husband made a place up for him and we had a toast in honor of my dad which helped a little but what I would of given for him to be there! But the day went as well as could the kids had a great Xmas which is all I ever want.
    I don’t know if it’s because the new year is coming up and I’m anxious of what’s to come and worrying that one day I will forget him or I am finally accepting that he’s gone, but I am finding that it is getting harder every day, am I alone or is this normal I just don’t feel like anyone in my family understands how I feel, I can’t even talk to my brother about it all cos he just gets on with life and acts like nothing’s happened his attitude is you can’t change anything!

  58. My dad passed away about a week ago and I’m 16 going on 17 in a month or so, and I miss him so much, but just reading this really helps me…

  59. Reading the comments on here help me. I lost my lovely Dad two months ago and miss him so much. I’ll never be the person I was. I spend all my time thinking about him suffering in the last few weeks of his life. Why can’t I focus on the fun times we had? I feel like a huge part of me is missing. How do I move on and live my life when he’s not there to talk to or share things with? It’s hard but I carry on because I have to.

  60. Thank you for your page, its helped me. I lost my dad a year ago today. I honestly thought i was on top of my grief but tonight as it draws closer to the time of his death I cant help but feel so angry so short fused, snappy and full of sorrow all over again…. I was with him when he passed and cant believe how quick a year has gone without him… we was two peas in a pod, daddy little
    Girl, best friends … i miss him soo much x

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