Around the year I was 7, my father suddenly died from a massive heart attack. I was so young I did not really understand. I am turning 20 in about a week now and I’m struggling with depression. I am so afraid of all my loved ones leaving me behind that I push them away without realizing. I sabotage ever relationship I have. I am trying hard not to, but it’s hard. I don’t have any memories of my dad. I remember bits and pieces of the morning we found him and the days that followed. I have blocked out the pieces of memories that a child should not have seen but it’s hard because some of those memories I want back just so I might could remember him. I know I’ll never remember what he was like but I don’t know how to move on with my life knowing he has and will miss important times in my life.